Making Space to Heal

In my yoga classes, I typically begin with a dharma talk.  That’s when we have a discussion about yoga philosophy or other issues which seem to be common themes that have been playing out for many of my yoga students and Reiki clients.

Recently, I’ve been talking about the last 3 niyamas, otherwise known as Kriya Yoaga.  In yoga, the niyamas are a way for us to deal with ourselves in a conscious manner.  The three aspects of Kriya Yoga are Tapas, Svadhyaya, and Ishvara Pranidhana.  Basically, when stuff comes up in our lives, when we’re triggered emotionally, it’s usually because there’s a pattern of behavior there, something that could be healed.  We just have to choose if we want to or not. 

Going along this path, I feel fortunate to have a partner who encourages me to practice Kriya Yoga in my own life.  We have a “catch phrase” for when I’ve been emotionally triggered by something, especially if I don’t see it myself.  He’ll gently point out that I’m “having an elevated emotional response”.  In other words, most people would have taken a given similar situation in stride, but for some reason, I’m overreacting emotionally.  Using that catch phrase gives me the opportunity to choose how to proceed without him saying the emotionally charged words of, “Honey, you’re overreacting.  What’s going on?”  Because basically we have three choices when faced with a situation that triggers us: 1) we can go with the emotion and ride that roller coaster, 2) we can disengage and run in the opposite direction, or 3) we can choose to lean in , figure out what is going on, and heal it. 

As one of my master teachers said, sometimes the only way out is through, to pierce the emotion and come out the other side.  Kriya yoga offers us the opportunity to do just that.  First there’s Tapas, or psychic heat.  It’s like the process of smelting gold; in order to remove the impurities, you have to heat it up and let them rise to the surface.  And sometimes that heat can be intense.  Then we step into Svadhyaya, or self-study.  This can mean studying sacred texts, or it can mean really looking at the situation, looking at those elevated emotions and asking yourself what it is, why you’re feeling it, and where are its roots.  Very often, when we’re hurt by someone or something that would otherwise be innocuous, it’s because we’ve been wounded at some point in the past, and often several times in similar ways.  This is part of our karma, or an energetic pattern of behavior, which we can choose to repeat or interrupt. The third step is Ishvara Pranidhana, which is the process of healing it, letting go, and releasing it to the Divine. 

Why is Kriya Yoga important?  Well, because it gives us an opportunity to heal those past hurts, to change those patterns of behavior.

There’s a poem called “There’s a Hole in my Sidewalk: An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters” by Portia Nelson.

Chapter One

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost… I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend that I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in this same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,

My eyes are open

I know where I am

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.

There I a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

Basically, Kriya Yoga gives us the opportunity to consciously learn how to walk down a different street.  Otherwise, we’re just unconsciously falling into the same hole, the same pattern of behavior, over and over again in our lives.  Have you ever heard someone say that they wind up dating the same guy or girl, just in a different meat suit?  It’s because they have a pattern of behavior that brings the same type of people and situations into their lives.  Kryia Yoga can give us the tools to help with that.

Recently, I had a student tell me she didn’t want to heal the past; she just wanted to move forward.  Wasn’t it possible for her to just let bygones be bygones and move on with her life?  Sure, that’s a choice.  But the problem is, with an old, unhealed hurt, it’s like having a bruise or a broken bone.  It can most certainly heal on its own, or, if it hasn’t been set correctly, it’s going to hurt when it’s banged up against or when you try to use it later.  In other words, it won’t really function properly until you give it the time and attention it needs to be fully healed. 

It wasn’t until I experienced something in my own life that I was able to understand why this was such an important process.

Mother’s Day was this past weekend.  And I have a whole lot of energetic and emotional tension from my past around that holiday.  There are a myriad of reasons why past Mothers Days have been emotionally charged for me.  For several years, I couldn’t enjoy them because I was too busy serving the other mothers in my life – mine, my ex-husband’s, his grandmother, and feeling that I came up short.  Because of many feelings of inadequacy and not being deserving, I had difficulty receive from either my ex or my children.  But all of those reasons, all of those people, were just props.  Over the years, the excuses disappeared.  My ex’s grandmother passed away, as did his step-mother.  I got divorced, my mom moved away and then it was just me and my kids.  Yet my Mother’s Day celebrations were still stressful and emotionally charged.  I tried to just move on.  At first, my kids were young teens, so I took over and planned my own Mother’s Day celebrations.  Yet year after year, something went wrong and I’d end up in tears. 

This year, I made the conscious choice that things would be different.  I would release all control of Mother’s Day.  It would be low-key without any big plans or celebration.  It would be just me and my kids, and we wouldn’t go to a concert or a play or Disneyland. All that was important was that I got to spend some quality time with my kids.  My only expectations were to share a meal, conversation, and maybe a movie.  Any expressions of appreciation or gratitude on their part would be gravy, but not expected. 

Instead, the morning of Mother’s Day came around and my life conspired to bring up all sorts of triggers to make me into a big, mushy ball of tears and emotions.  I was with my partner, not my kids, thankfully, so I was able to work through my emotions without negatively impacting them.  I let the triggers bring up the emotions, and I let them bubble up to the surface.  I named them, I expressed them, and then I sat with them, in that psychic heat of the Tapas to see what the heck it was I was feeling and why.  Just like a weed in my garden, I didn’t just pull off the head of the dandelion, I pulled out the whole thing by digging deep and tracing the root back to its source so I could pull it up whole, once and for all.  As I sat and processed, I reached back through my history to the roots of my Mother’s Day stress and figured out not only what the beginnings of those negative emotions were for me as a mom, but for me as a daughter watching my mother have challenges receiving from my dad and her children.  I sat there, and let it all come up.  I was so grateful to have my partner hold me through it all, just feeling his arms around me as I cried.  Because crying is good! It’s a way to energetically release those built-up emotions.  Water is cleansing.  After yoga, Reiki, or massage, you’re encouraged to drink lots of water to flush the toxins out of your body, and tears serve the same function.  Let them flow with the emotion and let it all out.  You’ll feel lighter when it’s over and all of that emotional crud has been washed away.

After all of that, I was able to get myself ready and go be with my kids.  We had a lovely afternoon, eating, talking, and sharing.  I told them stories about myself and who I am now, how much I love being their mom, what their labors were like, and how proud I am to be their mother.  It was a truly meaningful day during which I could express my love and pride for my children, the privilege it is to be their mom, and the joy they’ve brought to my life.  At the end of our time together, my daughter gave me her card to read, and sure enough the tears flowed.  But this year, they were tears of joy and love, as she had expressed beautiful, meaningful, heartfelt gratitude and appreciation for me as her mother, which I was finally open to receive.  It was a Happy Mother’s Day.  And it was the first one I’ve had in a very long time as a result of the healing work I did that morning.

To return to the weed analogy, if we pull out the weed, we can let healthy grass and plants grow in our garden instead.  But ignoring that weed just means that it is going to keep draining the soil and depleting the resources that could be going towards helping the things we actually desire in our lives to grow and flourish.  Don’t turn your back on the hurt, don’t ignore it and try to move on, because it’s still there, it’s still growing.  Deal with it, pull out that weed, and make more space in your garden and in your life for what you desire to grow.

So what is this process?  How can we apply the concept of Kriya Yoga to our lives?

 1) Start by feeling the emotion. If you can’t change what you don’t own, then you must own that emotion.  “I am angry. I am hurt. I am sad.”  Wonderful. Name it.  Then ask yourself why you feel that.

2) Recognize the emotion and the trigger for what it is.  You have had an experience or belief that has resulted in you feeling this way in this situation.  “I don’t feel appreciated.  I don’t feel good enough.  I don’t feel that I deserve this.” 

3) Then figure out what the belief system is which is at the root of that feeling.  Do you agree with it, or is it a tribal belief that you’ve inherited either from your family or your society?  Is it in alignment with your truth, or is it someone else’s?  Do you want to keep it, or is it time to let go of it?  For example, I realized that in my family, giving was a good thing as it was “the Christian thing to do”.  It meant you were being generous, benevolent, a kind and giving person.  However, receiving was not a good thing.  If you needed something from someone else, it was a sign of weakness; it meant you couldn’t provide for yourself.  Whereas having difficulty receiving gifts went hand in hand with the ideas of not being deserving of help and care.  In the process of understanding this, I also realized that those beliefs didn’t match my view of the world, and I could let them go.

What it all comes down to is integration; converting darkness into light.  We all have hurts lurking in the shadow of our lives.  But just like the shadowy monster in the corner of our room when we were growing up, in order to see it for what it really is, all we have to do is shed some light on it.

We all have the ability to move through life as we prefer. We can take the “easy way”, the way we were raised with, going through life on auto pilot in our comfort zone.  Or we can choose to be mindful and move through life in a conscious and deliberate way. 

It’s your choice.  Choose what you desire.

Self-Care & Affirmations

 I'm trying to find the balance between self-care and other-care that is such a tenuous tight-rope walk for most people, but which can be even more important for people who are care-givers by profession.

Yesterday, I took the entire morning off to go to a Gentle Yoga class and a New Moon Meditation. It was beautiful! It was exactly what my body and, even more, my soul needed.

It has been a challenge for me to learn that self-care is part of my job, too.  I take care of so many other people - students, clients, and my family, that it is very easy for "the well to run dry".  And in order for me to keep on giving, I must fill the well. So I've had to change the way I view self-care. It's no longer a "luxury", but a necessity. If I'm going to be good at my job, self-care is a must. My ex used to tell me that I could look like Cindy Crawford, too, if looking good was my job. Meaning: if I had to look good for my job, I could and would pay for a private trainer, esthetician, personal chef, housekeeper, personal assistant, nanny, etc., to make the time for my job of "looking good" possible.  Well, looking good may not be my job, but having the abundance of energy to give to others without tapping myself dry is.  So, I've had to change how I look at taking walks, practicing yoga, meditating, studying, and eating well.  Those things are part of my work day.  I get this as a concept, so then why the heck can it be such a challenge to put into practice?

I laugh sometimes at how the Universe chooses to give me lessons.  If there's something I need to learn, very often I'll be shown the lesson clearly in someone else's behavior. And then my Spirit Guides (yes, I've gone off the Hippie-dippy deep end and have Spirit Guides, or Higher Self, or conscience) will give me information for this student and while I'm speaking to them, my Guides will be nudging me, saying, "Are you listening to yourself? You know this is a lesson for you, too, you know."

So, yesterday, after my lovely morning of self-care, receiving from two beautiful yoga and Reiki practitioners, feeling sisterhood and connection, I went out to run some errands.  That’s when I ran into F.

F was my very first yoga student ever. I've known her since 2006 or so, when she was B's teacher, and she has FM, too.  She still comes to my yoga classes periodically, but by this time, I see the pattern the Universe has laid out for our friendship. Whenever I see F when we're out and about, it's because she's having a crisis.  Every single damn time.

So I saw F yesterday, and I tried to make eye contact, but she was playing with someone's dog out in front of Starbucks. In my life, there are no coincidences.  Basically, the Universe gave me the choice to take the out and leave. I could have walked on, as I "didn't really have the time to talk", but by now I know my purpose in aiding others, so I set aside my own plans for the afternoon and waited for F to see me.  After all, all of those “important things” I had to do weren’t really time sensitive, and being there for someone else in need most certainly was more important than those other tasks were.

Sure enough, as soon as F looked up, it was with great relief and excitement (and yes, a healthy dose of desperation) that she asked me to sit with her for a few minutes.  Thirty minutes later, I was talking to her about self-care and how important it is. 

See, my dharma talk (yogic lecture) this week has been all about the idea that “energy flows where attention goes”, courtesy of Esther Hicks and Abraham. What we’re focusing on is what we wind up getting more of. Good and bad things happen every day; if you focus on the good, you feel like you had a good day, despite the bumps, whereas if you focus on all the crap, it seems like you’ve been in a shit storm, regardless of any of the good things that may have happened to you.

Now, this isn’t just a new-agey concept. There’s actually a concept referred to as “the science of gratitude”, and indeed, scientific studies have been conducted on how focusing on gratitude (for example, by keeping a gratitude journal) can quantifiably change your life and result in more happiness, among other things. As Deborah Norville says in her book, “Thank You Power: Making the Science of Gratitude Work for You”, “One study from the University of California, Davis, actually quantified what happens when people are grateful. They really are more optimistic, more apt to help others, more joyful, and genuinely healthier. Related studies have found they're more resilient, less stressed, and better strategic thinkers. All because they focus on what's right in life.”  And that’s just one study of many. In other words, science is backing up this idea that what you focus your attention on can change how you experience your life – for better or worse.

However, F’s issue wasn’t just that she was focusing on the bad, but that that’s what she thought she deserved on some level.  She may not have been saying it or even thinking it, but by denying herself self-care (it was 2 pm and she hadn’t eaten anything other than a latte, which I was emphatic in telling her was NOT food!) she was telling the Universe that she wasn’t caring for herself, so no one else should, either. 

If our basic needs aren’t being met, and if we’re passive about trying to fill them, then our bodies go into self-preservation (i.e. panic) mode. Her needs weren’t being met, so she was generating scarcity consciousness (her body was literally in starvation mode because she was denying herself sustenance), and that was triggering her fight-or-flight response. Sure enough, she was experiencing anxiety.  Sociologically and physiologically, our body doesn’t know the difference between going through a famine from drought or famine by choice; it goes into self-preservation mode and wants us to get out of that situation, i.e. run, in order to keep ourselves alive. If we don’t do anything to change it, then we release the hormones that cause anxiety to help push us into making change.  Because while our minds may be complex things, our physiology is really rather simple-minded; you’re starving, so move to find food, if you don’t, it becomes worried that you’re not doing what you need to survive. Then, boom, you’re anxious.

And then, no matter what we say to ourselves about how, yes, we know we’re important, yes, we love ourselves, of course we deserve to be taken care of… if our actions don’t match our words, well, you know what they say. Actions speak louder than words.

This is why the work starts with you. The world is just mirroring your beliefs about your life. So if you change what you believe, if you change how you feel about yourself, the world will start to change to reflect those beliefs. But your actions must match your beliefs, otherwise the Universe knows it’s just talk. You’re just blowing hot air.

Makes sense. But in practice, it can be a lot more challenging than in theory.

For most people, we inherited a LOT of really crappy tribal beliefs. And then, we had other people in our lives, other experiences, which reinforced them.  For my parents, housekeepers were only for rich people. My sisters told me that teaching yoga wasn’t a real job. Even getting a gardener was a luxury. A luxury. Because somehow I didn’t deserve such “special” treatment. In other words, I wasn’t special enough to deserve it. Nope, it was somehow noble or important to suffer, to do things I didn’t like or have the skill set to do, rather than make enough money to pay someone else to do those things to free up the time for me to do what I enjoy and am good at. You know, that reason I was put here on the planet?

I’m gifted at helping people overcome their pain. And that is FAR more important than cleaning toilets or mopping floors.  In fact, in my case, one could take it even further. By giving me a chemical sensitivity, which includes having cleaning products make me physically ill, the Universe is trying to give me a HUGE sign that I should NOT be cleaning my house; there are far better things for me to be doing with my time.  Yet those darn limiting tribal beliefs still are tied to shame and not feeling deserving; even though I recently accepted a job opportunity which allows me the financial freedom to have a housekeeper on a regular basis, I can still find myself being apologetic about having a housekeeper. 

The limiting tribal and societal beliefs we’ve inherited, added to our life experiences, not to mention all of the negative self-talk that goes on in our heads, can keep us stuck in those old patterns of thought and behavior.  We can still feel undeserving and unworthy of care, which, in turn, can make it difficult for us to receive help, love and care from others.  And that can make it challenging at times to receive the love of the wonderful people in our lives who DO love us and want to support us, just as we support them.

Because we may be limited by the inherited tribal belief that it is acceptable, even desirable, to give care and support, but that receiving the same is a sign of weakness, and thus something to be ashamed of. So we’re not just limited in receiving from a lack of feeling worthy or deserving, but we’ve compounded it all with a feeling of shame or weakness. And that’s a tough belief to overcome. We can accept the role of the nurturing mother of the Divine Feminine, but not the cherished goddess who deserves to be adored and worshiped, the way we cherish, adore, serve and care for those we love.

Very often, we don’t give ourselves permission to stop and care for ourselves, much less let others care for us, unless we’re ill. So, when we really need to rest, our body can break down and make us take the time to rest. I recently got to the point where I was taking on too much, burning the candle at both ends, so to speak, and I was just worn out.  I hadn’t taken time off for a vacation of any significance in two years.  Sure, I’d gone to visit family, or taken the kids to Disneyland for a couple of days, but those aren’t the kind of relaxing, self-nurturing vacations we need periodically to recharge our batteries. No sooner had I verbalized a thought that had been popping up in my mind, “I could really just use a week off from work to rest,” than I got sick. I came down with an upper respiratory illness that was so bad that I had to cancel all of my classes and clients for exactly one week.  Be careful what you say, because the Universe is listening, and you may get exactly what you ask for, but not in the way that you expect.

Heck, sometimes for strong, independent caregivers, becoming ill can be the perfect opportunity for our loves to feel needed and to demonstrate their love for and to us.  Most of the time, we’re so capable, so good at caring for ourselves, that they don’t ever get the opportunity to take care of us; it can be a gift to them.  We can be surprised when friends, family, and loved ones rally to our side to help with whatever we need.  Why is that surprising? Just ask yourself how you’d act if the shoe was on the other foot? Chances are, they’re just giving you back what you give them.

My challenge to my students this week is to become more conscious of what we say and think.  Where is your attention going? And what is that leading to in your life? 

Even more specifically, become aware of those negative, limiting tribal beliefs and all of that negative self-talk. Because that Inner Critic can do a number on you! Seriously, if you took that inner voice and put it into a person who stood next to you and said those things, you’d go insane! (Or you’d at least think they were.)  If you wouldn’t say those things to someone else, better yet, if you wouldn’t say those things to your daughter, why on earth will you say those things to yourself?

If energy flows where our attention goes, then what are we focusing on? What are we saying out loud? What are we saying to ourselves? After all, there’s a reason it’s called “spelling” because we cast spells with our words as we speak them out into the world. It’s called “cursive” writing for a reason, as we put those thoughts to paper. 

So we start by becoming observant of our thoughts and our words. Is your back really killing you? Really??? Do you really hate that person? Or even for my students, do you really want to be pain-free? Or do you want to be healthy?

Because focusing on the negative word has a specific feeling or vibration to it. Close your eyes and become focused on how your body feels when you speak different words.  There’s a limiting or contracting feeling with a negative word like “pain”, even with the word “free” attached.  Whereas there’s an open, flowing, allowing feeling with the word “healthy”.  It’s quite simple, really, a negative word takes away or subtracts from our flow of energy, where a positive word adds to that flow. 

Once we start becoming observant of the words we say and their positive or negative vibration (yes, there goes the hippie-speak), then we can start to become conscious of how they affect our lives. From there, we can start to become proactive about creating what it is we want in our lives. Even better, we can begin to undo the old programming of all of those years of negative self-talk by countering it with positive self-talk. 

Affirmations are a wonderful way to do this. It can feel odd, at first, especially if we’re so used to hearing the negative that the positive feels foreign. So, you begin with something that your spirit recognizes as truth. It can be challenging for some people to say, “I am loved.”  That inner critic comes in and tries to fight you.  As Wil Wheaton said, “The voice of self-doubt presses its face against the window of my mind, knowing I don’t have the strength to fully draw the drapes.” So, instead, I have my students start with something that is truth to them. “I am loving” is something with which almost all of my students can agree about themselves. So, the triad of that mantra is,

“I am loving,

I am loveable,

I am loved.”

It’s incredible to see how challenging that can be for most people to say. Yet the person sitting next to them, their teacher, or most especially their loved ones can most definitely say that to them with confidence. So why is it so hard for us to say and admit about ourselves? Those darn limiting tribal beliefs and negative self-talk is why. And that’s all the more reason why it is important for us to begin saying affirmations to and about ourselves.

Keep in mind that an affirmation is different than an intention.  An intention is the end result or purpose. Something you want to get out of a class, for example.  An intention is something you want to do, get, or obtain, as a result of a process. Whereas an affirmation is something that you already have or are.  It is a re-statement. An affirmation is the assertion that something exists or is true.

So when you’re saying an affirmation, you’re not saying that you WANT to be something, but you are asserting, stating, or remembering that YOU ALREADY ARE that.  And that is very powerful.

To marry these two concepts together, if energy flows where attention goes, then if you’re using the power of affirmation to focus on positive aspects of you, then you will begin seeing more examples of those things in your life.

And honestly, who couldn’t use more examples in their lives of being loving, loveable, and loved? That could make ones’ life far more love-filled. And that’s just a start.

My Inner Child

It's been over a year since I've posted. So long that I'd forgotten how!

Oddly enough, I find that the subject of this post is a continuation of my last post - in October 2009.

"Baby Time in the Moment" was about my great-nieces. Over a year passed until I saw them again, this January, and they're the impetus for this post, too.

I'll be blunt. 2010 was challenging in so many ways! But as one of my master yoga teachers says, we grow from the negative experiences in our lives more than the positive. So I guess that's one way of saying I grew a LOT last year!

I rang in the 2011 with a yoga party (yes, there are such things), and a few days later, with a visit with my great-nieces... all THREE of them! Meeting little Gracie was so wonderful! Such a happy baby! She really lives up to her name.


B & I have missed Care & Belle so much - our buddies! It was so nice to spend the day with them (and their fantastic parents, too!) Of course, their parents are particularly fantastic for making sure the girls remember their Aunt Gackie and Cousin Beff after a year-long absence! The girls are anything but shy, and greeted us with hugs and smiles immediately, which is saying quite a lot about their confidence level.


It's not that B and I play favorites, but... well, we seem to play favorites with the girls just a bit! Care is my buddy, and Belle and B just hit it off.

(Here Beth is listening to Belle tell her about crocodile-eating chickens. That's right, as opposed to chicken-eating crocodiles...)

At one point, the girls were showing us around their room, and Care said, "Do you want a tattoo?" I immediately said, "Sure!" At which point their mom said, "Boy, are you indulgent! I won't let them do that to me!"

To be honest, I hadn't really thought twice about it. But now I did. It was completely out of character for me to be putting a temporary tattoo on my body. But Care wanted another, and she offered to give me one, so I went for it without thinking.

She picked one out and slapped it on me, just above my belly button. She held a baby wipe on it for a minute or so and confidently proclaimed, "It's done!" To which her mother said, "I'm not sure that was long enough." But it was! And I looked down to see that I wore a green heart-shaped apple on my stomach. Until that moment, I didn't even know what she'd chosen!


But that's the nature of kids' play. Just having an idea of something that seems like fun, suggesting it to your playmate, and going for it!

And I think that's what I like about playing with Care and Belle. From Care's occasional outrageous demands to Belle's outlandish stories about rescuing lemurs from erupting volcanoes. You could become the 'reasonable adult' and squash their ideas, or you could just go with it.

I chose to go with it!

And I love that the girls' mom encourages that. When we arrived, I was thrilled to see that Care was wearing a barrette that had been B's when she was little; one that went with a 'dressy' dress, which meant that it was an expensive one from her Grammie, and thus one that had been worn less than a dozen times. Yet here it was, on Care's head, on an average day, just because Care wanted to be pretty. I loved it! And when Belle picked up a plastic holly wreath from around one of the candles in the living room, instead of saying 'no,' her mom suggested she turn it over so it sat better! Way to go mom! It wasn't going to break, and Belle looked like a little Santa Lucia!


I realized that had the same scene taken place 10 years ago, with B in Belle's place, at best I would have tolerated it for a few moments (paired with a disapproving look) or worse, would have stopped it altogether. Which gave me pause.

I've said before that one of my nicknames and alter-egos was Mary Poppins. That was one nanny who really had her stuff together! She facilitated some really wonderful experiences for Jane & Michael Banks. But let's face it: she was really stuffy!!! Even when she was attending the tea party on Uncle Albert's ceiling, she wasn't really participating & laughing. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm letting go of Mary. She had her place in my life, but I'd much rather let out Little Girl J and have fun with the other kids!

Recently I went hiking, and one of my friends was feeling a bit odd because there was a childish energy to the day. A discussion ensued about the pros and cons of feeling that way. When your childlike nature comes out, you may feel less mature, less in control, but my argument was that those were the very reasons to embrace that childish nature. Open your eyes, take a deep breath, and take in the wonderment of the day! Instead of getting from point A to point B, look at the way the light filters through the trees. Stop and notice the weird blossoms on the reeds that look like caterpillars. Pause to admire the amazing beauty of the moonrise. Rub the lavender in your hands and take in the scent. If you wonder how cold the creek is, stop and feel it. I only regret that I didn't take off my shoes and splash in it, feeling the sand between my toes. You've got to admit, it's a cool feeling! Just like the little boy I once saw at the beach; after his mom took off his shoes and socks, he walked on the sand, giggling, asking who was tickling his feet!

After all, in our everyday lives, when we're at work, or even in most of our relationships, how often do we really just let ourselves go & be a little kid? Whether it's laughing and running on the grass at the park or in the waves at the beach, it's very freeing to just let go of all of the adult responsibilities and concerns we carry and just embrace the moment! To be fully present, in our bodies, in that place, in that very instant.

More and more in my practice as a yoga instructor, I hear my students lament that their lives have become so busy, so packed with responsibilities, that they never seem to have enough time to enjoy their life - to do what they want to do for themselves or with their family. Work deadlines have to be met, groceries have to be bought, the laundry must be done, the house cleaned, doctor appointments kept, kids shuttled here and there... and before you know it, a year has gone by!

And that's just sad.

We hear all the time whatever little adage applies: "Take time to smell the roses." "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." Etc. While those may be old-fashioned phrases, today our mantras may be to "Be Present" or "Spend Quality Time." It's the same concept. And they all speak to the same root idea: Life is short, so make the most of it!

Enjoy those times when you feel like a kid and want to play on the swings, climb a rocket, run in the waves, have a food fight, roll down a grassy hill, or get a (temporary) tattoo. It will do your heart good to embrace that twelve-year-old you, to let go of the stodgy adult, and feel the exhilarating sense of freedom that comes with letting go of responsibility, however temporarily, and just play! Let your heart sing, and laugh, and run in the wind with the sun on your face.

Embrace the moment, embrace the joy, and embrace your inner child!

Baby Time In the Moment

This afternoon, as I was ending my yoga asana practice and starting my short meditation, I remembered that one of my yoga teachers training assignments for this week is to meditate for 15 minutes every day and to journal about it. So I set the timer meditated. I wound up with an 8-count rounded breath, and then I added in my affirmations. I could feel my senses turning inward; it was a fantastic feeling to be fully within my own body in the moment. It really helped me feel calm and centered. The fifteen minutes were up before I had finished, so I turned off the timer and continued to meditate. When I finished, I was focused, yet peaceful and energized at the same time. I felt 100% better than when I started. Yet how often do we really stop to take that time for ourselves, to really be, not only in the moment, but within ourselves? Why is it so hard for us to take that time to nurture ourselves? We're so willing to give our time to others or to other things, but we neglect what's important to and for us.

I had a good afternoon shopping with B. We got her boots and shirt for her Halloween costume. She's decided to be the character "Catniss" from the book "The Hunger Games." I scheduled her an appointment for a hair trim and straightening with Ann on Thursday for it, too. We had so much fun at Costco! We'd splurged on a Wetzel's Pretzel before we left the mall, and the simple carbs hit our bloodstream about halfway through our Costco shop. We were cracking each other up! I told B that I wanted dark chocolate pomegranate candies, and learned that she hates pomegranates. When we were in the produce section, she saw the actual pomegranate fruits and noticed that on the side of the box it said "Pomegranate Grenades" and she cracked up! She said, "I'll buy some pomegranate grenades!" I know, 'grenades' is what they're called in French (hence grenadine, i.e. pomegranate juice), but it was still funny!

Then when we passed the CD/DVD section, we heard some Christmas music playing. Yes, it's not Halloween yet, but Costco gets a jump on those things. As we walked past it, I realized they were playing the Christmas Song. No, not the "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" standard; the song by Alvin and the Chipmunks! I joined in on, "Me, I want a hula hoop!" And Beth about died! I sang along where I knew the words. She threatened to throw a huge jug of French's Yellow Mustard at me - all 6 pounds 9 ounces of it! As she says, "Costco, where you can buy freakishly large amounts of stuff you don't need!" It really was a nice afternoon with her.

Later that night, instead of watching TV, I popped in a home video of the kids, starting at D's 3rd birthday - when we went to Disneyland for his 'Disneylandy Burr-day!" It was so great! Even though soon into it there was a good 4-month gap when I had the miscarriage and was recovering from it. It was so precious to see the kidos as babies again.

There was one long section when I'd snuck up on the kids when D was about 3 1/2 and B was 1 1/2. D had helped B climb into her crib (it wasn't nap time), and he was in there with her, playing peekaboo with her under one of her blankets. I started talking to them, and it was actually one of the longest video segments we had of them because they were stuck in the crib and couldn't rush the camera! When they were toddlers, as soon as they'd notice the camera, they'd stop what they were doing, start saying, "Smile!!!" and would rush me! This time, they still said, "Smile!!!", but I was able to ask them to do different things. D sang "Twinkle Twinkle", which cracked me up because I'd forgotten that instead of saying "Up above the world so high" he'd say, "I wonder why you're over me" (or more accurately, "O'er me".) So silly! And he sang the alphabet song, counted to 20, and then was getting ready to say his ABC's when he said, "Look! My toes!!!" So hilarious! I got B to tell me what different animals said, but I had to make D stop answering for her. Then I told them it was time for a bath and they both got SOOOO excited! I forgot how much they loved bath time!

There were a lot of really good memories caught on film. But what I realized most was how much I loved being a mom to babies! And not just because they're cute, but because it's so easy for me to be in the moment when babies are around! Everything is so wonderful - literally full of wonder - that you can't help but be caught up in that with them! I felt that same feeling just 3 weeks ago when Gabe and Mari were here with the girls. You just let go of everything else that's going on and embrace the moment.

Belle wanted me to go see the elk in the grass (through the ivy at the back of the yard), so of course I stopped eating my dinner and went to look for elk with her!

Looking for elk. Belle whispered, "Where is it?" I said, "I don't know? Where is it?" She pointed and said, "It's in the grass... over there!"

Care wanted me to show her the snow globes, find the kitty, and even show her my room, so why on earth would I say no? And those investments paid off in spades! Care always wants her Gackie to pick up her (I never refuse her!)

Having some tickle-time with Care

And at the end of the night, Belle had her bottle and curled up in my lap for a snuggle. Such a precious time with them, so lovely!

There's nothing like the feel of complete trust and love a toddler will give you when they snuggle in your arms, and how any mom naturally starts to sway with them. I had another moment last week with one of my fellow-yogini's daughters (side note: is fellow yogini correct? I mean, fellow is masculine, whereas yogini is feminine...) Little Lila came in just before bed, carrying her bottle; I was sitting on the floor and cooed to her, holding my arms open, and she came right to me. She was so adorable! She just snuggled up in my arms, and I started rocking from side to side with her. At some point, one of the other yoginis asked me something, and I stopped swaying, just to be reminded to get back to business by the determined Little Miss Lila, who was swaying in my lap. I may not have babies of my own any more, but that makes it all the more precious for me when I can borrow someone else's!

Babies truly are wonderful. Not only do they grant us a sense of wonderment if we see the world through their eyes, they can truly remind us to experience the world, the moment, NOW, as they do. They have no job, no to-do list, no history or past mistakes to run away from. They just experience each minute of each day as it is, when it is, with their full emotion, with clarity, with joy. There's nothing so great as their sense of peace and contentment at the end of the day with a warm bottle and loving arms to hold them. And as Patanjali says, contentment is bliss.

Here's to bliss!

Choosing Happiness

Things have been a bit tough for me lately. Heck, everyone has periods of time like that in their lives. But I think part of what defines us is how we handle it.

I'm known for being gregarious (hence the nickname), exuberant, energetic, bubbly, happy... But very often that is a conscious choice for me. God, I used to be shy and reserved! Heck, it wasn't until college that I even started feeling comfortable speaking out in class, much less leading one! Now I suppose if I went to, say, England, I would be considered highly presumptuous with my habits of striking up a conversation with anyone who interests me. Damn having a proper introduction! Heck, I was on the phone with Ali as I checked out at a store the other day, and I made one mistake or another and was laughing at myself with the checker, and Ali accused me of flirting with her! I guess to some my familiar way of speaking with people could be perceived as such without that being my intent. I suppose I should be more conscious of that, as it could be dangerous in some situations, aye?

Anyway, what I was meaning to say is that often for me, choosing to be the fun, crazy wild one is a conscious effort. And in that, I'm having to face down a fear - of overcoming my shyness and choosing to feel confident in my actions rather than embarrassed. As Eleanor Roosevelt said about herself:

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face… you must do the thing you think you cannot do."

So, for me, one of those things was dancing. I used to have to have some 'liquid courage' before I could 'loosen up' enough to get out onto the dance floor. However, that's not an option for me any more, now is it? Yet when I took the kids to the Bar Mitzvah a while back, I made sure to drag B out onto the dance floor as often as possible- embracing that experience and conquering my insecurity and fear of embarrassment. And we had a wonderful time as a result! I think that's what's behind the concept of the Glamour Pi Vacation Dance; it's a symbol of letting go and being crazy, regardless of who happens to be watching. You embrace a freedom when you can do it!

One of my favorite writers is Dave Gorman (I have a link to his blog here...) In his book, 'Are You Dave Gorman', there was a passage that I loved:

"The door to my room opened and Dave was there. Dancing. Alone.
All the time singing, he danced in and then danced out. I don't think it's a dance I've ever seen performed solo, but I immediately recognized it. I think it was the words to the song that gave it away.
'Let's all do the conga. The conga's getting longer. La la la la la, hoy! La la la la la la!'
If ever a conga wasn't getting longer it was that one. Still, it was a happy dance."

That's the person I want to be. I was going to say 'be remembered as', but that's wrong: I fully want to embrace that happy persona. As the yogi Rodney Yee would say, "Be the dance. Feel the happiness coursing through you."

Now, I know that's not always possible. I mean, everyone has their good days and bad days - you must have the down in order to appreciate the up. Not only that, but I have a condition in which I experience chronic pain, and it's only on my best days that the pain is gone, whereas even on good days it's there but manageable.

A friend sent me one of those sappy e-mail stories recently. This one was about an old blind man who went to a nursing home. The key takeaway for me was this:

Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Now, I may not be old...yet! But I think my FM may make it easier for me to relate to that. After all, I go to support groups and hear others with the same condition bemoan their condition instead of doing what they can to fight it and improve their quality of life. It is a conscious effort.

Just like choosing to be happy, to be positive. May your heart be full of love, joy, peace, grace, and loving kindness.

Be well!